Renovation Song

We've got damp. Fact.

Yes we did a full damp course, yes we added in air bricks, there is so much ventilation in this house you can literally feel the breeze blow through it (not sure that's a good thing?!) and yet the damp just keeps on coming back.

Hello, by the way, it's been a while and you must have missed me terribly. I'm sorry, I won't let it happen again.

I will now summarise the last few months in renovation world the only way I know how..... through the medium of rhyme.

The new rental squat became project number one
In a mad, dash, rush to get the work done
Walls were removed, ceilings were too
A kitchen re-built as was a loo

All outfits accompanied by a handy tape-measure
The Internet scoured, the trash of others became my treasure
We travelled the country in a large hired van
Nothing like removals to get the best out of a man (?!)

The finish was added - carpets, tables and seats
By the time it was done it looked rather neat
The search for tenants was set underway
Not so intrepid, we had them signed in 1 day

The homestead was littered, I'd perhaps been too keen?
Radiators, fridges, the odd washing machine
It's the new thing, I declared, scrap yard style chic
Every living room needs a washer with a leak

Spring became summer and the rain came with power
The garden thrived with rhubarb and passion flower
Touches were added to the original bowl of dust
When a heatwave descends, carpet's a must!

As time passes the house starts to wear
After the work we put in, God knows how it dare
But walls become marked and gutters they do leak
Skirting gets scuffed and doors, start to creak

Still, no need for despair, no time for fear
The team of Polish builders are here
Set to return with their special kind of charm
And remove any semblance of order and calm

And so we go on with phase number four

If miracles abound we might get a handle on the door
One thing you discover, through time spent, just living
Renovation really is, the gift that keeps on giving

Round Like A Circle In A Spiral....

Despite my very uncharacteristically negative ramblings (!) project rental squat is actually progressing great guns, the kind of guns you can't really keep on top of when you have work, a course, life to attend to guns. So as ever we have found ourselves playing constant catch up and making decisions on the hoof. But when the builders are in, stuff has to get done, there is no time for casual musings over bevelled or flat edges on ones tiles. It goes like this - You want tiles? Give me the tiles, tiling done, I need more tiles, give me more tiles.

Playing catch is also a down-side of not being on site all the time and let me tell you, it's tricky to go back on work once the work has been done. As you all know I love my builder, I trust him, value his work ethic and on the whole accept that if something can't be done it is for good reason (he also reads this blog!). He is, however, still a builder and therefore prone to classic builder-isms - these transcend age, origin and reason, they simply can't help themselves.

"This paint coverage looks a bit patchy"?. It is because you have bought Dulux/ Farrow and Ball/ B&Q/ Fired Earth (delete as appropriate) paint. I have tried them all and the response will remain the same, any problems that arises, the fault lies with the paint and ABSOLUTELY NOT with the painter. "The stain on the floor is a different colour there?". Hmmm yes, yes, that is because of the wood, it is old wood (SO?) that is what happens. (of course it is).   "That blind you have put up/ row of tiles/ cupboard you have fixed/ coving applied... isn't straight". SARAH it is straight, the problem is your walls, you have wonky walls.

As I said though I love my builder and yes I do have wonky walls and all problems aside they have worked at a rapid rate of knots and turned a home into a shell into a building site into a blank canvass and would you adam and eve it we have just about come full circle!

Everyone Makes Mistakes

Project rental squat has been an altogether different experience than the original dust bowl. Not being woken up at 7am to the dulcet tones of Polish camaraderie and the sweet scent of cigarettes and instant coffee is, if I'm honest, a blessed relief. The absence of endless hammering and the gritty dust up the nose sensation seems to reduce the stress levels of house renovation. But it does have its downsides...

As a semi-qualified interior designer, I am ashamed to admit that I have committed many design sins. I should and DO know better and I only share them now in order that you yourselves are never tempted down the same dark paths. My excuse was lack of time it's a poor excuse and it does not warrant forgiveness. Here are my top 5 don'ts of renovation.

1. NEVER pick paint colours off a computer screen - you think you are getting a nice matt grey, grey, you are actually getting a faintly purple/ greeny/ blue. When we tell you to paint generous testers on the wall of each room - we tell you this for a reason.

2. NEVER trust your builder to get paint mixed on your behalf- it will always end up ever so slightly wrong.

3. Do NOT try and rectify above mistakes by using Farrow and Ball paint in a rental house. Yes it is beautiful, but it will cost you a fortune you will never make back. Sarah Beeny I feel your

disdain.

4. Don't skim read adverts on ebay, such that you think an advert for 6 panel doors is for 6 doors, not 1 with 6 panels. There is a difference, it is significant.

5. Finally, please DON'T find yourself, unable to miss an opportunity, buying all your furniture before the work is done then having nowhere to keep it so you end up with, say, for example, I mean as if anyone would, a massive wardrobe at the bottom of your stairs blocking the entrance to and from your house for approximately 6 weeks!

All that aside, things are going swimmingly and despite what everyone tells you, I stand by my ethos of putting your heart into your project. DO think about the standards you would want to live in, do use interesting colours and finishes where you can, it doesn't have to cost more and I firmly believe will make all the difference to your tenants. Let's hope I'm right....!

It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day

As some of the more astute/committed readers amongst you maybe have noticed (someone? anyone? Mum...?) There has been a not so brief hiatus in posts of late. For this I can only apologise and assure you that it is not due to lack of activity. On the contrary life has been somewhat crazy in squat towers and it is with proud excitement that I announce the birth of squat number 2, or SJ (squat junior) as we like to call her. Yup you guessed it, we are at it again… with a vengeance.

SJ was never destined for the same fate as the original, this is an entirely different proposition, a business proposition no less – a buy to let. When operating in said business environment one must be governed at all times with head not heart. This is what they told me, they ALL told me and you know what they can be like, so god damn self-righteous. But, I bowed to their superior knowledge, yes, of course we will just paint over the existing flock, fake artex paper and make do with the kitchen in place, no, no, no, no, of course, no need to touch the ceilings, 60’s style gas fireplaces, fine for a rental, absolutely, boiler, it still runs doesn’t it? Yes, definitely leave well alone. I nodded and smiled with good intentions of following it all through.

Strange then, that I seem to find myself 1 month in with, pretty much the shell of a house, all ceilings and walls have been pulled down and stripped back, kitchen ripped out, fireplaces- can’t see them for dust (literally). It’s fair to say, I fell at the first hurdle, giving the house a name probably wasn’t the best start. In defence some of the work has not been caused by me, the house that we bought, although cared for by it’s lovely previous owners (and I mean that sincerely) had been largely maintained through DIY- herein lies a problem. Peel back one layer of paper and the wall comes tumbling down, inspect one of the sockets and discover it needs entirely re-wiring, take out a kitchen unit and reveal the large patches of damp carefully concealed by layers of plastic... and so it goes on.

Don’t get me wrong, I really am not doing this to the spec I would my own home, I haven’t even changed the radiators (yet), but it seems fair to say that when it comes to me and houses I cannot help but be emotionally attached, they very quickly do become a labour of love. Here she is in her finest original form (these are estate agent photos fyi).

Snow Is Falling...

We all love the first flurry of a snow fall don't we? The landscape turns into a Dickensian image of crisp perfection, children laugh as snowmen are built and sledges are used, couples frolic making snow angels on the ground. That lasts for about a day.... then the snow turns to ice/murky slush, children cry as the snowmen melt and adults live in constant fear of breaking their necks en route to work.

For me the snow also brings a painful reminder of blunders made in project squat. 1 word folks INSULATION! Given that we re-built every single wall in this house we had the perfect opportunity to install the finest insulation man has to offer, be it 2 for 1 B&Q, bales of straw or a god damn piece of cotton wool. But the combination of ignorance, lack of research and cowboy builders meant that this vital factor was overlooked.

Having solid brick walls our only option now is to remove the plasterboard and start again or clad from the outside, both expensive, messy options which, let's face it aren't going to happen. Yes we've checked for draughts, the roof has the thickest layer available, un-used windows have been sealed. But no amount of effort post event can right this wrong. So it is we are left with a bathroom and back bedroom that are pretty much made of ice. This is both environmentally bad, uncomfortable but mostly just plain irritating.

So let this be a lesson to anyone about to undertake any building work, whatever corners you may cut, don't let insulation be one of them, lest you forever mourn its absence and sit under blankets til Spring.

Trash

Over Christmas I was lucky enough to acquire a broad range of new pictures. When I say new I mean old, (more mothball than antique), when I say acquire I mean given by relatives who were planning on chucking them out.

Such has been the nature of 80% of the items in this house, art, sofa's, dining room chairs, curtains, beds, crockery... you name it.. if someone else don't want it I end up with it. My motivation was initially financial - with all money plowing into building walls, there was little left for cushions - but essentially I have a deeply ingrained waste not want not attitude to life and really do support the 'one man's trash' philosophy.

Of course there are the occasional mistakes (80's crudites dish with pictorial representations is yet to leave the cupboard) and yes, I have, occasionally, entirely without reason in my eyes, once or twice, on a bad day, been referred to as a hoarder. But for the most part I honestly believe this re-using a rejected item in a new, different setting injects it with a new lease of life and gives a depth and soul to a home that is almost palpable. As I look around my home and consider the history of each and every item some take me back to childhood, Aunts or Grandparents past, some have origins not known to me, so I can make up their history (as well as a name!). What is for sure is that very little has come straight from a factory floor - what could be colder than that!?

People who come to my house, often comment on it's warmth and homely feeling (they sure as hell don't mean temperature), it feels like a house that is loved. This does not come from the colour of the walls or the carpet on the floor (definitely not that in our case). Would it feel the same if we had all the finery's that John Lewis had to offer? I don't think so. Personally I think this random hotch potch of belongings bring with them the lives and loves of their owners past, they have stories to tell and they are happy to live to see another day. They might not match but somehow they feel like they belong.

Stairway To Hell

I have dust in my hair, eyes, ears and over every item of clothing. A small layer adorns the entire house, I have back ache from bending in odd positions and I am so bored I'm angry. What am I doing to create such misery I hear you ask....? Sanding the god damn banisters of course. Again? I know, I KNOW.

It is the most misery inducing, relentless and un-rewarding of tasks ever known to home decorating. Fact. The kind of job that sucks you of energy but offers no rewards, no-one will ever notice that you lost actual days of your life at this callous inducing work, but everyone would notice if you didn't do it.

I realise this is more rant than post, I have no photos, I have nothing positive to say, I am in a sanding induced fury.

That's all!